Petty

Sample confrontation with a friend

[REDACTED], I always appreciated our friendship but the lying has got to stop. The textbook was in immaculate condition for the sole purpose of selling after I was done with it.

Since lending the book to you it has returned in unsellable condition and there’s no question it was you.

Thank you for offering to pay and I will take you up on it.



Creepy PMs

Names are not redacted because fuck Bryan.

Creep: Hello my name is Bryan I am 40 years old and single I am looking for any single Asian ladies You are so gorgeous sweetheart are you still single you are very beautiful woman I love Asian woman

Response:

Hey Bryan,

I’m appalled that a gentleman like you is somehow still single at 40 years old. Chivalry truly is dead.

On another note, I may be a gorgeous sweetheart but you’re a desperate creep and there’s literally no alternative universe where I would ever go out with you.

Here’s a dick pic.

[DICK PIC]

Also fuck off



It’s You, Not Me

[REDACTED] –

This is a difficult letter for me to write.

Actually – no. It’s super easy.

You’re such a class act when it comes to being a complete selfish prick. The only reason I (faked) orgasms in bed was because it meant you’d finish quicker. I mean, not that that mattered much in the past 6 months because apparently you were too busy giving [REDACTED] fake orgasms instead.

I wish I could explain all the reasons you’re a worthless pile of excrement but I don’t want to waste my own breath.

In the wise words of Shakespeare (it’s ok, you don’t need to know who that is): ‘I wish we could become better strangers’.

We’re over.

Love,

[REDACTED]